Big God Ponderings; Small Self-Esteem Wallowings

So...i guess not posting everyday on this blog.  That's pretty ambitious anyway.  I'm posting more than the blogs that i follow =).  Though it's not a competition.

So...i had some musings about how big God is again this week.  Now, the questions that have come up for me are genuine questions.  I want to make sure no one mistakes them for pointed questions toward any belief.  They may seem that way.  And could be read that way.  And they may seem like they are directed toward a specific belief.  But in all honesty, they're just questions that i've wondered.  And i feel like they are important questions.

I was pondering about "salvation" (as Christians believe and define it, i guess).  My main question/pondering: what about all the other people?  So, i guess i'm just questioning the "Jesus is the only way" worldview.  God has to be bigger than that.  I'm thinking about those that came before Jesus was born.  Was Judaism the only way then (following the logic of "Jesus is the only way")?  But the Jews weren't everywhere.  They didn't have missionaries.  What about the other nations?  The ones that the Jews didn't encounter?  What about the Chinese?  Were they just doomed?  How big is God if that's the case?  And we can't just say that all those however millions, billions (whatever-ions) of people just would not have chosen God.  That's a lot of people to just brush aside.

Anyway...have no answers.  Just more questions.  Don't want or need someone to answer this right now.  It's more like a "Zen" question (without the Zen, and with more angst...so, really not like a Zen question at all =)...it just hurts my brain).  But think about it.  Let this question (and all the contradictions and dichotomies and uncomfortable-ness that it brings up) live in your heart for a little while.  And then try to think about how big God might actually be.

On a different note, i'm feeling a little bit undesirable (i guess i'm speaking romantically).  A line from a song from the musical "The Last 5 Years" popped into my head yesterday: "I am a good person.  I'm an attractive person.  I am a talented person.  Grant me Grace!"  I've been trying to convince myself of that.  Mostly, i just want to yell at all the people online that i've sent messages to, "GRANT ME GRACE!"  I don't need them all to be attracted to me.  But i've been adding a small blurb at the end of my messages saying something to the affect of "if you don't want to continue this conversation, i'd appreciate a small note saying so".  A bit forward, i know, but i just want to be honest.  Not a one gave me that courtesy.  One guy actually wrote me back, and our conversation just fizzled...which was fine since he actually took the time to write me back.  But none of the others even said, "thanks for the message.  not looking for a pen pal right now."  Anyway, i need to stop wallowing because it'll probably lead to more wallowing.

I'll leave you with this pseudo-Zen question:

What is the sound of God getting "bigger"?

Shuffle Ball Change

I got this picture today while talking with my counselor about how my Spiritual journey is working right now.  I'm in the midst of it right now and as i think about it more, i realize that i can't really describe it while in the midst of it.  It's like i'm in a dance right now.  If i stop to think about it, i'll lose my step.  I just have to "be" in the dance.

After all, i don't want to be stepping on the toes of the Creator of dance =).

Spiritual Baggage

Einstein.

Hitler.

Charlie Sheen.

Jesus Christ.

Now, before any of you get nervous that i'm making comparisons between these people, i'm not =).  I just wanted to show that each of these people have connotations very strongly connected to their names and their legacies.  Not in the least Jesus Christ.  And as i've been doing more reading and more of my own spiritual search, i'm finding it hard to really learn more about Him.  I keep needing to remind myself that He's was a real historic figure (according to most reliable sources--both Christian and non-Christian).  It's so easy to go one extreme or another:  He was just a good teacher, nothing divine; He was exactly as the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) portray Him to be.  But neither of those views gets into the subtleties of who someone really is (in this case, Jesus).  People are complex.  Humans are complex.  Persons are complex.  Life is complex.  Complex in a full way; an interesting way; a wonderful way.  What if Jesus was not exactly as the Gospels depict Him?  Would that be bad?  What if He was more than how the Gospels depict Him?  Wouldn't that be better?  What if He's more mysterious than we think?  I really want to know this bigger, fuller, real-er, more mysterious Person and not just be bound by writings (that may or may not have been up to our modern documentary standards).

But it's hard.  Spiritual baggage is heavy, and tends to show up every time you turn around.  I want to be able to get past the "dualistic" thinking about Jesus--past the glossed over picture i have of Him.  Slowly, but surely--hopefully.

Recent "Coincidences"--(God? Is that you?)

Hmm...so, i haven't written here in a few days.  Not really because i don't want to.  Or even because i've been scared off by not having anything to say.  Just don't really have anything to say.

I hung out with a friend on Saturday morning.  I think we are in similar places Spiritually--not necessarily "journey-wise" but "belief-wise".  It was really good!!  we hung out for about 2 1/2 hours without realizing it!!  And i think we have more to talk about!!  That's a good sign =).

Oh, i've had a few more coincidences lately (namely--today).  I don't think that i've mentioned that i think one of the ways that God is possibly speaking to me right now is through seeming coincidences.  It started a month or so back when i was reading "Hidden Things: Scripture as Spirituality" by Richard Rohr.  One weekend, i was reading it and in the span of 2-3 pages it mentioned one Scripture that had been mentioned in the sermon that Sunday and another Scripture that my devotional book had mentioned.  Also, Rohr seemed to be speaking directly to me through this book.  I kept finding myself saying (in my head), "that's exactly what i've been thinking!  That's exactly what i came up with!"  It was really weird.

And then (i might be skipping some coincidences, but i'm not really remembering them), 9/11 i went to a talk by the Interfaith Amigos and found myself doing the same thing.

And then a few days ago, one of my housemates randomly paused the episode of Buffy we had been watching and asked me what i thought about taking the Lord's name in vain.  I told her.  And then that night, the new book i have been reading ("Googling God" by John Cox) tangentially mentioned why people find it so easy to use the Lord's name(s) in vain.

Most recently, in "Googling God", Cox just mentioned off-hand that we as humans just want to survive (and possibly even thrive).  "Surviving" and "Thriving" were the exact words that my counselor used a few weeks back.  I know that they're common words, esp. to talk about how we live, think, interact in life.  But it still stuck out to me.

Anyway...i thought i didn't have much to write =).  That's what i get for underestimating the power of "just being".

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,

I know you feel like I we haven't met yet--or maybe that just that we haven't met in a real way.  We will meet in more real ways in the future.  We are bound to because of how hard my Spirit keeps running after you.  I can't wait to meet you in a deeper way, although you may not know what that will look like.

I know that as I continue to meet you that you will continue to become a more perfect contributor to our relationship.  Not the "Perfect Follower", but one that truly seeks after Me.  I know that you have some spiritual baggage, not in the least the fading of hope of experiencing Me, because you just don't know what that means right now.  I am very good with baggage.  I really hope that you can be comfortable enough with Me that you can be honest and truly yourself--wherever you are at the moment.  I also hope you know that I am big enough to receive all your doubts, questions, and even anger and confusion.

I hope to reveal to you Myself in relationship.  I am wherever you are at the moment--physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.  My Spirit stirs around you and seeks to reveal truth--hopefully Truth.  I like working with people, so maybe you might find more of Me in true community and fellowship.  I am also always fully giving and receiving.  Some people call that "Love".  This constant state of fully giving and receiving means that I am constantly seeking you, chasing you, choosing you.  I know that is hard for you to receive because you see time as linear whereas time isn't a factor for me.  Try to find Me where "you are" which is where "I am".

I "miss" you (though that's not the right word because I've never left), so please never give up your seeking, your yearning, your investigating.

"I fully give to you and receive from you",
God

Dear God

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel like we haven't met yet.  I hope (sometimes beyond all hope) that we will continue to meet in more real ways in the future.  Dare I even say that we are bound to because of how hard my soul keeps searching for You.  I can't wait to meet You in a deeper way, although I don't know what that will look like.

I hope that as I continue to meet You that I will continue to become a more perfect contributor to our relationship.  Not the "Perfect Follower", but one that truly seeks after You.  I do seem to have some spiritual baggage, not in the least the fading of hope of experiencing You, because I just don't know what that means right now.  I know You already know, but I don't really like games.  I really hope that I am comfortable enough with You that I can be honest--mostly comfortable enough with You that I can truly be honest with myself.  I also hope that I will be strong enough to receive constructive criticism and harsh truths with grace.

I'm not very good at promoting myself, but I dare say that I have some good qualities that I bring to the relationship.  You've made me a sensitive soul, or so I've been told.  My spirit stirs within me and seeks to find truth--hopefully Truth.  I like working with people, so maybe I might find more of You in true community and fellowship.  I'm also very analytic (maybe that's how You made me)--usually too much so (that's probably my own doing).  I over-think things but that means a part of me is constantly seeking You.  Although sometimes that method of seeking becomes futile because I'm seeking with the wrong part of me.  I also try to be thoughtful, but sometimes that gets in the way of my heart and my spirit.

I "miss" You (though that's not the right word because You've never left; my understanding is just changing and stretching--and confusing), so please hurry up and slowly reveal more and more to me.

nathan

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

We haven't met yet.  I hope that we do meet soon.  I'm sure we will meet in the future.  We are bound to, considering how hard my soul keeps searching for you.  I can't wait to finally meet you.

I hope that by the time we meet I will have become the perfect husband for you.  Not the "Perfect Husband", but the one that is right for you.  I don't have a lot of relational baggage, but I might have some emotional baggage that comes from becoming jaded about relationships (and feeling like I'll never find you).  Just so you know, I don't really like games.  I really hope that I am comfortable enough with you that I can be honest.  And I hope the same goes for you.  I also hope that I will be strong enough at that point that I can receive constructive criticism and harsh truths with grace.

I'm not very good at promoting myself, but I dare say that I have some good qualities that I bring to the relationship.  I'm a sensitive soul, or so I've been told.  I like to cook, if I have the time and energy.  And I don't really mind doing dishes.  Although, I do like working with people, so I like cooking with people and doing dishes with people.  I'm also very analytic--usually too much so.  I over-think things but that means that I think about them.  I also try to be thoughtful.  Being over-analytic, though, makes me overlook things sometimes.

I "miss" you (though that's not the right word because we haven't met yet), so please hurry up and find me.

nathan

What is "dating"?

What is this thing we call "dating"?  I don't understand it.  I think part of it is because we Americans have so many definitions for "dating".  When people casually see one or more persons with potentially romantic possibilities we call that "dating".  When two people are committed to one another and don't see anyone else we call that "dating".  Two strangers could meet and then go out on a "date" a few days later.  But two friends that may have romantic attractions towards one another but haven't confessed those feelings could have an arguably intimate dinner and we might not call that a "date".

Personally, i find the thought of casual "dating" kinda stressful.  I have romantic (used in the original sense of the word) thoughts of one day falling in love with a friend.  But realistically, that's not going to happen.  Especially since i am so actively seeking my future companion.  I'd much rather skip all the games...but apparently that's what we have to do, right?

So, if someone could explain what "dating is, i'd really appreciate it.  Sometimes i just feel like "dating" gets in the way of real dating.

Spaciousness

So...it's the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy.  Time for people to reflect; time for people to remember; time for people to come up with profound sayings, which is what i want =).  But like i've said before, profound sayings does not come from trying.

I had many thoughts running through my head today...actually, not from remembering 9/11, but from events commemorating the tragedy.  I attended and was involved in an interfaith service this morning and then i attended a talk by the Interfaith Amigos this afternoon.  It was amazing!!  A lot of what they talked about spoke directly to my current faith journey.  It may even feel like God is speaking to me with all these seeming "coincidences".  I think one of the themes that i feel like their talk seemed to reinforce was just how big God is. Religion tries to understand God, and in doing so, many times tries to box God in.  C.S Lewis, through a talking animal, basically said that God is not tame.  But that's exactly what we've done with God.  Even many of those that claim not to.  Their talk got me thinking about Christianity and what it is, and how it started.  And how important actually thinking about it is.  I won't get into it (because, like i said, i don't want this to become a political or spiritual platform) but suffice it to say that i'm beginning to see that God is bigger than religion.  And that is a scary place to be!!

My counselor urged me to try to think about what it might be like to experience God choosing me, running after me, seeking hard for me.  Today, i realized that maybe this confusion and uncomfortable-ness that i'm experiencing might be what it feels like when God is actively seeking me--seeking to connect to me.  My friend brought up a sermon by Don Everts where he talks about what it would be like for a tree to try to describe to another tree its experience with a human.  It's totally foreign!!  That's us with God!!  And that's why it's scary, and confusing, and may "hurt" when God (in God's infinite "otherness") actively imposes God-self in my life--but in a way that is also subtle enough that i can take it in slowly.

I'll end with this thought.  The Muslim Sheikh of the Interfaith Amigos said that one of the aspects taught by Islam is "Spaciousness".  I don't think there is enough of that--esp. in my life.  And that is what i am seeking to create, allow.  9/11 was indeed a great tragedy--a tragedy of lives lost, lives taken, and lives changed forever.  I don't want to diminish that pain, but i feel like one of the greatest tragedies of 9/11 was the death of "spaciousness"--the death of dialogue and conversation and the birth of fear, which leads to hatred, which is really fear in disguise.  How do we rid ourselves of this hatred?  We must dispel the fear.  How do we dispel the fear?  We must allow room to "yada" (Hebrew for "to know"--with many definitions of "to know" included in that one word) that which we fear.  How do we "yada" that which we fear?  We must allow "spaciousness".  I must allow "spaciousness".  I think that's where we find God.

just to keep up my goal...

I'm posting just to keep my goal of posting almost every day.  I had some good ideas.  Hopefully i remember them.  But i am just to tired to think right now.  Silly kitty woke me up again last night meowing...and she kept meowing on and off, so i might have had a few hours early this morning where i didn't sleep well.

And i thought i had more of a train of thought, but my brain just stopped...so i guess that's where this blog post will stop too.

God is bigger...

I can feel my personal theology changing.  It's weird.  And scary.  And good.  It's becoming mine, and, for that to happen, it has to change.  There's no way around it.  It's a little like God is becoming less my parents' friend and more my friend.  Do you have a family friend that one day became more than just a "family friend" but your actual friend?  That relationship had to change.  It's like that with me and God.

So, how exactly is it changing?  Well, i don't really want to get into that here.  I don't want this to be a soapbox.  (And, honestly, i don't want to say anything too controversial here...although, i might have already done so by being openly out, as well as a Christian.  Oops, too late =).  I also don't want to preach.  Nor do i want to invite debate.  (I'm not a debater, and do not find that sort of discourse helpful to my process.)  However, suffice it to say that i think God is seeking to make the box that i put God in bigger.  I am learning (and trying to allow my faith to follow along) that God is Bigger.  And not just bigger in the sense of size, but the kind of "bigger" where the bigger God is, the smaller the place God can enter.  Maybe like air (for lack of a better metaphor).  God is bigger than me.  God is bigger than anyone.  God is bigger than religion (ooh...that's a touchy one).  God is bigger than dogma.  God is bigger than relativism.  God is bigger than unbelief.  God is bigger than what i want and what i seek to control.  And yet, in the midst of that "big-ness" God still cares about what i want, about what i feel, about what i need.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.  It's interesting because a big God caring about what i think and a little God caring about what i think are two very different things.

Right now, though, my mantra is "God is bigger..." (ellipses are vital to that statement).

God is bigger...

What is a Blog?

What does one write in a blog?  What exactly is a blog?  I mean, it could be a public platform, but it's not a guaranteed public media.  It all really depends on the exposure of the blog, and i guess how heavily one promotes it.  It definitely isn't a private journal.  But what else is one going to write but personal musings?

Blogs sure are an interesting phenomenon.  I guess all i can do is write this blog for me.  And maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else.  How might it help?  I have no idea.  But that is out of my hands.

Party of 1

I'm not sure what to write here.  But i want to try to write once a day; or thereabouts.

It's amazing what a short period of time can do.  I guess it all depends on what happens in those minutes.  I had a great time playing a hilarious and random board game with friends tonight.  Much laughter, and releasing of endorphin.  And then, as always, i had to come home alone--which normally might send me down a spiral but wasn't too bad tonight.  Then, a hour or so later, i got some disappointing semi-crush news (it's complicated...don't ask  =)...suffice it to say that it wasn't terribly disappointing, but rejection--even the closing of a possibility that one wasn't even really hoping for--is, at least, mildly disappointing).  Which got me thinking about my real crush, and how i haven't heard from him.  So i might as well let that go.  And that's where the spiral started.  It's not a deep spiral this time, so that's good.

Also, where did my day go?  I really needed to shower, and didn't get to until past midnight!!  what?

And (back to my first topic), what gives me the right to complain?  There are plenty of others out there--probably hundreds of blogs even--that are in my boat or worse.  I question why i have the right to voice my "bummer" on the interweb.  But it doesn't make my feelings less valid.  I guess that's the point.  This is my blog and what else am i going to write?  Certainly nothing profound--at least not if i'm trying too hard.

Anyway, this is my stream of consciousness tonight.  I guess that's keeping in line with my goal for this blog.  Just be.  So...tonight's "just be" is a pity party.

"Pity party--party of 1."

Relationships are not a "Big Picture" Sport

I think at least part of me is a big picture kind of person.  I like to know how things work out.  Before I watch a tv episode on Hulu i read the episode summary; before i watch a movie, i like to read a synopsis; before i read a book, i always read the dust jacket.  I can see this attitude bleeding over into my relational life.  I never made the connection before, but just now, it just hit me.  I always thought i was just over analyzing things.  I think the truth is, i want to know all the pieces.  I want to know what the other person is thinking, is feeling, is wanting.  On top of that, i want to know what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, what i'm wanting.  And this is just with friendships!  Don't even mention romantic relationships.

The biggest picture of all--the meaning of life.  Lately, i've been struggling with doubt in my faith in God and in my spiritual life.  And now i see that i've been trying to "see the big picture"--i want to know how it all ends.  Is there a heaven?  Hell, is there even a God?  What is beyond the physical?  And how can i experience it?

But, my counselor told me something that hopefully will be life changing.  One cannot "strive" and "try" in a relationship.  You can't micromanage every aspect of a relationship because it's just not possible.  It all goes back to "just being".  I'm slowly learning to "let go and let God", as the saying goes.  Well, right now it's more like "let go and let go" =).

So, "Big Picture" thinking has its time and place, but when it takes over, i lose the here and now.  So, for now, i'm learning to "just be", to "let go and let go", and let the "Big Picture" take care of itself.

Just Being

So, after a Summer filled with anxiety about the future, i think i accrued a stockpile of anxiety inside me.  I started seeing a counselor and gained some perspective.  And through that, as well as some soul searching i'm once again seeking to relearn how to "just be".  I'm hoping this blog can be a big part in it.  Many times i over think things, and over-analyze things.  that's one of the reasons i was never very good at blogging.  I wouldn't feel like i had anything to say because the thoughts were just continually flowing through my head--they wouldn't stop long enough for me to have something concrete to write about.  This time around, though, i hope to learn to just be--especially on this blog.  It might seem like stream of consciousness sometimes, but maybe that's what's needed sometimes--maybe more often than i think.

I also worry about what other people think.  I don't think i have anything valuable to say because, chances are, it's already been said--so what's the point.  But the point is that i have no control over that.  I have no control over what other people think; i have no control over what other people write, or don't write.  So why worry about it.  Why sell myself short before i even have a chance to try.

Sometimes (okay, more often than i care to admit) i hope that i become at least semi-famous for my blog.  It's happened to others.  Honestly, i don't think i'm interesting enough, or a good enough writer.  But, a) none of that is for me to decide, and b) it's sort of like the risk of dating.  There's always that limbo stage where you want to hope just enough, but not get ahead of yourself.  That's a hard place to live.  I think that's where God wants us to live too.

Hmm...this really is stream of consciousness--going from my goal of relearning how to "just be" to some personal theology.  It helps that i'm writing this in the middle of the night =).

Maybe this blog will work out after all.  But only if i remember to "just be".

I'm not very good at blogging

Years ago (and i do mean years) i tried blogging. That was back when Xanga was popular. I soon realized that i am not very good at blogging. It seems like such a romantic idea (in the original sense of the word). But i'm not a soapbox kind of guy. i don't volunteer information. i like answering questions. Having a platform to send my thoughts out into the interweb does not come naturally to me. But maybe i'll give it another go. This blog will just be random thoughts. We'll see how long it lasts.

Before i go, here are a few things you might need to know (if you don't know me already) just as foundational information when understanding my blog:

I'm Chinese--Cantonese to be specific

I'm male

I'm a product of the 80's

I'm a Christian--or, as i prefer, a Jesus-follower, or a God-seeker

I'm gay

That should do it for the basic information that frames my worldview. Good luck to you who are reading this; and good luck to me!