feeling it...

So, i thought about writing a post the other day (but, obviously i didn't =).  On that day, i was anxious about the future again.  But i've been reading Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr and it's been awesome!!  Especially the section i read the other day.  I don't even really remember what it's about, but it just seemed to resonate with me at exactly where i am in my spiritual/personal journey.

The gist?  The key is finding balance...holding onto contradictions and tension.  And allowing ourselves to feel--to really feel.  And not to judge that feeling.  So, i was anxious the other day, and i was actually allowing myself to feel it, and not to judge it, or quell it.  It's hard, but it seems to be right--and real.

We are here, on the earth, now--we aren't anywhere else.  We need to be here and allow what is here to be--and ourselves to just be.  I'm still working on that, and still learning what that really means in life and how it works in life.  I know it's more than "just being" but that's the first step.

poor kitty

My landlord's kitty is a little lethargic.  We don't know if she's ill or mopey or what.  But my landlord is out of town.  We called him so he knows.  We just need to keep an eye on her.

In other news, just started reading "Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer" by Richard Rohr.  A lot of what he talks about is what i started with my counselor!!  I'm sensing a theme =).  Anyway, a lot of it has to do with "just being".  I think that's the theme for my life for this time.

dropped the ball...because it takes energy to keep it up

Whew!!  "Just being" takes energy...and is scary.  that's one of the reasons i haven't posted here recently.  dropped the ball.

so...not really sure what to write right now.  feeling a little jaded about online "dating" (i use the term loosely because it's not really a substitute for the real thing.  not that i would know.  why am i a little jaded?  i've messaged people on and off but i never get a reply...well, i did once (thank you to that person =), but other than that, not even so much as a polite "not interested" (i know...those are scary too).  i guess i can understand it some.  i see myself as a real, whole person, but when i'm looking at profiles, i can't see others that way because i don't have all the information.  i only have the profile--it's 2 dimensional (literally and figuratively).  and (hypocritically) i feel like people should be able to decipher that i'm a 3 dimensional person just from my profile.  but i can't even do it, so why am i expecting the impossible from others.  i think i've concluded that i just don't look good online.  i need to move somewhere where i can meet people in real life.

on the flip side, i had an amazing night last night with good friends!!  it was so good that at one point during the evening i lost all sense of time--i had no idea what day it was or what time it was--i was just there, in the present, with my friends.  definitely filled my heart with a sense of blessing and contentment.  it's so interesting how different feelings (even drastically disparate ones) can coexist in one person simultaneously.  i also had the thought last night that i am so excited to finally meet my s.o. so that i can bring him into the fold of that friendship group.  that would have made it perfect (well...assuming that he fit in with the group...that's what i'm hoping for =).

well...i know i tend to write about the same things, but that's what's on my mind.

Happy Birthday

I am so blessed.  I know i say that every year, even despite the fact that i don't believe it as fully as is true.  I had a wonderfully relaxed afternoon doing whatever and catching up on BSG (nearing the end!!  it's so epic!!  a little too epic maybe =).  And then had a lovely, low-key evening hanging out with friends--Papa Murphy's, salad (with home grown vegetables and nasturtiums--and edible flower), 2 games of captions, and pinochle.  And then i came home to my marvelous housemate and an equally marvelous friend =)...and vegged with them watching Buffy.  And all those wonderful "Happy Birthday" wishes on fb!!  So many!!  and i was reminded that i have 2 birthday twins (i guess we'd be birthday triplets).  I feel "older" in a more mature way...

And yet, i am housing some mixed feelings in equal parts.  My feelings of yearning by no means diminishes my feelings of blessing (let alone their true blessings as well).  For my birthday, if you were to ask me what i truly wanted, the answer on the top of my head (without even thinking) would have been just cuddling with my boyfriend in front of a movie, possibly (probably) with friends...but wait...don't really have a bf.

But once again, i can't stress enough, that gut longing does not by any means take away from the blessings of my friends!!  I am learning to accept people choosing me...and also learning to choose them in a real way.

Big God Ponderings; Small Self-Esteem Wallowings

So...i guess not posting everyday on this blog.  That's pretty ambitious anyway.  I'm posting more than the blogs that i follow =).  Though it's not a competition.

So...i had some musings about how big God is again this week.  Now, the questions that have come up for me are genuine questions.  I want to make sure no one mistakes them for pointed questions toward any belief.  They may seem that way.  And could be read that way.  And they may seem like they are directed toward a specific belief.  But in all honesty, they're just questions that i've wondered.  And i feel like they are important questions.

I was pondering about "salvation" (as Christians believe and define it, i guess).  My main question/pondering: what about all the other people?  So, i guess i'm just questioning the "Jesus is the only way" worldview.  God has to be bigger than that.  I'm thinking about those that came before Jesus was born.  Was Judaism the only way then (following the logic of "Jesus is the only way")?  But the Jews weren't everywhere.  They didn't have missionaries.  What about the other nations?  The ones that the Jews didn't encounter?  What about the Chinese?  Were they just doomed?  How big is God if that's the case?  And we can't just say that all those however millions, billions (whatever-ions) of people just would not have chosen God.  That's a lot of people to just brush aside.

Anyway...have no answers.  Just more questions.  Don't want or need someone to answer this right now.  It's more like a "Zen" question (without the Zen, and with more angst...so, really not like a Zen question at all =)...it just hurts my brain).  But think about it.  Let this question (and all the contradictions and dichotomies and uncomfortable-ness that it brings up) live in your heart for a little while.  And then try to think about how big God might actually be.

On a different note, i'm feeling a little bit undesirable (i guess i'm speaking romantically).  A line from a song from the musical "The Last 5 Years" popped into my head yesterday: "I am a good person.  I'm an attractive person.  I am a talented person.  Grant me Grace!"  I've been trying to convince myself of that.  Mostly, i just want to yell at all the people online that i've sent messages to, "GRANT ME GRACE!"  I don't need them all to be attracted to me.  But i've been adding a small blurb at the end of my messages saying something to the affect of "if you don't want to continue this conversation, i'd appreciate a small note saying so".  A bit forward, i know, but i just want to be honest.  Not a one gave me that courtesy.  One guy actually wrote me back, and our conversation just fizzled...which was fine since he actually took the time to write me back.  But none of the others even said, "thanks for the message.  not looking for a pen pal right now."  Anyway, i need to stop wallowing because it'll probably lead to more wallowing.

I'll leave you with this pseudo-Zen question:

What is the sound of God getting "bigger"?

Shuffle Ball Change

I got this picture today while talking with my counselor about how my Spiritual journey is working right now.  I'm in the midst of it right now and as i think about it more, i realize that i can't really describe it while in the midst of it.  It's like i'm in a dance right now.  If i stop to think about it, i'll lose my step.  I just have to "be" in the dance.

After all, i don't want to be stepping on the toes of the Creator of dance =).

Spiritual Baggage

Einstein.

Hitler.

Charlie Sheen.

Jesus Christ.

Now, before any of you get nervous that i'm making comparisons between these people, i'm not =).  I just wanted to show that each of these people have connotations very strongly connected to their names and their legacies.  Not in the least Jesus Christ.  And as i've been doing more reading and more of my own spiritual search, i'm finding it hard to really learn more about Him.  I keep needing to remind myself that He's was a real historic figure (according to most reliable sources--both Christian and non-Christian).  It's so easy to go one extreme or another:  He was just a good teacher, nothing divine; He was exactly as the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) portray Him to be.  But neither of those views gets into the subtleties of who someone really is (in this case, Jesus).  People are complex.  Humans are complex.  Persons are complex.  Life is complex.  Complex in a full way; an interesting way; a wonderful way.  What if Jesus was not exactly as the Gospels depict Him?  Would that be bad?  What if He was more than how the Gospels depict Him?  Wouldn't that be better?  What if He's more mysterious than we think?  I really want to know this bigger, fuller, real-er, more mysterious Person and not just be bound by writings (that may or may not have been up to our modern documentary standards).

But it's hard.  Spiritual baggage is heavy, and tends to show up every time you turn around.  I want to be able to get past the "dualistic" thinking about Jesus--past the glossed over picture i have of Him.  Slowly, but surely--hopefully.