Spiritual Baggage

Einstein.

Hitler.

Charlie Sheen.

Jesus Christ.

Now, before any of you get nervous that i'm making comparisons between these people, i'm not =).  I just wanted to show that each of these people have connotations very strongly connected to their names and their legacies.  Not in the least Jesus Christ.  And as i've been doing more reading and more of my own spiritual search, i'm finding it hard to really learn more about Him.  I keep needing to remind myself that He's was a real historic figure (according to most reliable sources--both Christian and non-Christian).  It's so easy to go one extreme or another:  He was just a good teacher, nothing divine; He was exactly as the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) portray Him to be.  But neither of those views gets into the subtleties of who someone really is (in this case, Jesus).  People are complex.  Humans are complex.  Persons are complex.  Life is complex.  Complex in a full way; an interesting way; a wonderful way.  What if Jesus was not exactly as the Gospels depict Him?  Would that be bad?  What if He was more than how the Gospels depict Him?  Wouldn't that be better?  What if He's more mysterious than we think?  I really want to know this bigger, fuller, real-er, more mysterious Person and not just be bound by writings (that may or may not have been up to our modern documentary standards).

But it's hard.  Spiritual baggage is heavy, and tends to show up every time you turn around.  I want to be able to get past the "dualistic" thinking about Jesus--past the glossed over picture i have of Him.  Slowly, but surely--hopefully.

Recent "Coincidences"--(God? Is that you?)

Hmm...so, i haven't written here in a few days.  Not really because i don't want to.  Or even because i've been scared off by not having anything to say.  Just don't really have anything to say.

I hung out with a friend on Saturday morning.  I think we are in similar places Spiritually--not necessarily "journey-wise" but "belief-wise".  It was really good!!  we hung out for about 2 1/2 hours without realizing it!!  And i think we have more to talk about!!  That's a good sign =).

Oh, i've had a few more coincidences lately (namely--today).  I don't think that i've mentioned that i think one of the ways that God is possibly speaking to me right now is through seeming coincidences.  It started a month or so back when i was reading "Hidden Things: Scripture as Spirituality" by Richard Rohr.  One weekend, i was reading it and in the span of 2-3 pages it mentioned one Scripture that had been mentioned in the sermon that Sunday and another Scripture that my devotional book had mentioned.  Also, Rohr seemed to be speaking directly to me through this book.  I kept finding myself saying (in my head), "that's exactly what i've been thinking!  That's exactly what i came up with!"  It was really weird.

And then (i might be skipping some coincidences, but i'm not really remembering them), 9/11 i went to a talk by the Interfaith Amigos and found myself doing the same thing.

And then a few days ago, one of my housemates randomly paused the episode of Buffy we had been watching and asked me what i thought about taking the Lord's name in vain.  I told her.  And then that night, the new book i have been reading ("Googling God" by John Cox) tangentially mentioned why people find it so easy to use the Lord's name(s) in vain.

Most recently, in "Googling God", Cox just mentioned off-hand that we as humans just want to survive (and possibly even thrive).  "Surviving" and "Thriving" were the exact words that my counselor used a few weeks back.  I know that they're common words, esp. to talk about how we live, think, interact in life.  But it still stuck out to me.

Anyway...i thought i didn't have much to write =).  That's what i get for underestimating the power of "just being".

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,

I know you feel like I we haven't met yet--or maybe that just that we haven't met in a real way.  We will meet in more real ways in the future.  We are bound to because of how hard my Spirit keeps running after you.  I can't wait to meet you in a deeper way, although you may not know what that will look like.

I know that as I continue to meet you that you will continue to become a more perfect contributor to our relationship.  Not the "Perfect Follower", but one that truly seeks after Me.  I know that you have some spiritual baggage, not in the least the fading of hope of experiencing Me, because you just don't know what that means right now.  I am very good with baggage.  I really hope that you can be comfortable enough with Me that you can be honest and truly yourself--wherever you are at the moment.  I also hope you know that I am big enough to receive all your doubts, questions, and even anger and confusion.

I hope to reveal to you Myself in relationship.  I am wherever you are at the moment--physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.  My Spirit stirs around you and seeks to reveal truth--hopefully Truth.  I like working with people, so maybe you might find more of Me in true community and fellowship.  I am also always fully giving and receiving.  Some people call that "Love".  This constant state of fully giving and receiving means that I am constantly seeking you, chasing you, choosing you.  I know that is hard for you to receive because you see time as linear whereas time isn't a factor for me.  Try to find Me where "you are" which is where "I am".

I "miss" you (though that's not the right word because I've never left), so please never give up your seeking, your yearning, your investigating.

"I fully give to you and receive from you",
God

Dear God

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel like we haven't met yet.  I hope (sometimes beyond all hope) that we will continue to meet in more real ways in the future.  Dare I even say that we are bound to because of how hard my soul keeps searching for You.  I can't wait to meet You in a deeper way, although I don't know what that will look like.

I hope that as I continue to meet You that I will continue to become a more perfect contributor to our relationship.  Not the "Perfect Follower", but one that truly seeks after You.  I do seem to have some spiritual baggage, not in the least the fading of hope of experiencing You, because I just don't know what that means right now.  I know You already know, but I don't really like games.  I really hope that I am comfortable enough with You that I can be honest--mostly comfortable enough with You that I can truly be honest with myself.  I also hope that I will be strong enough to receive constructive criticism and harsh truths with grace.

I'm not very good at promoting myself, but I dare say that I have some good qualities that I bring to the relationship.  You've made me a sensitive soul, or so I've been told.  My spirit stirs within me and seeks to find truth--hopefully Truth.  I like working with people, so maybe I might find more of You in true community and fellowship.  I'm also very analytic (maybe that's how You made me)--usually too much so (that's probably my own doing).  I over-think things but that means a part of me is constantly seeking You.  Although sometimes that method of seeking becomes futile because I'm seeking with the wrong part of me.  I also try to be thoughtful, but sometimes that gets in the way of my heart and my spirit.

I "miss" You (though that's not the right word because You've never left; my understanding is just changing and stretching--and confusing), so please hurry up and slowly reveal more and more to me.

nathan

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

We haven't met yet.  I hope that we do meet soon.  I'm sure we will meet in the future.  We are bound to, considering how hard my soul keeps searching for you.  I can't wait to finally meet you.

I hope that by the time we meet I will have become the perfect husband for you.  Not the "Perfect Husband", but the one that is right for you.  I don't have a lot of relational baggage, but I might have some emotional baggage that comes from becoming jaded about relationships (and feeling like I'll never find you).  Just so you know, I don't really like games.  I really hope that I am comfortable enough with you that I can be honest.  And I hope the same goes for you.  I also hope that I will be strong enough at that point that I can receive constructive criticism and harsh truths with grace.

I'm not very good at promoting myself, but I dare say that I have some good qualities that I bring to the relationship.  I'm a sensitive soul, or so I've been told.  I like to cook, if I have the time and energy.  And I don't really mind doing dishes.  Although, I do like working with people, so I like cooking with people and doing dishes with people.  I'm also very analytic--usually too much so.  I over-think things but that means that I think about them.  I also try to be thoughtful.  Being over-analytic, though, makes me overlook things sometimes.

I "miss" you (though that's not the right word because we haven't met yet), so please hurry up and find me.

nathan

What is "dating"?

What is this thing we call "dating"?  I don't understand it.  I think part of it is because we Americans have so many definitions for "dating".  When people casually see one or more persons with potentially romantic possibilities we call that "dating".  When two people are committed to one another and don't see anyone else we call that "dating".  Two strangers could meet and then go out on a "date" a few days later.  But two friends that may have romantic attractions towards one another but haven't confessed those feelings could have an arguably intimate dinner and we might not call that a "date".

Personally, i find the thought of casual "dating" kinda stressful.  I have romantic (used in the original sense of the word) thoughts of one day falling in love with a friend.  But realistically, that's not going to happen.  Especially since i am so actively seeking my future companion.  I'd much rather skip all the games...but apparently that's what we have to do, right?

So, if someone could explain what "dating is, i'd really appreciate it.  Sometimes i just feel like "dating" gets in the way of real dating.

Spaciousness

So...it's the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy.  Time for people to reflect; time for people to remember; time for people to come up with profound sayings, which is what i want =).  But like i've said before, profound sayings does not come from trying.

I had many thoughts running through my head today...actually, not from remembering 9/11, but from events commemorating the tragedy.  I attended and was involved in an interfaith service this morning and then i attended a talk by the Interfaith Amigos this afternoon.  It was amazing!!  A lot of what they talked about spoke directly to my current faith journey.  It may even feel like God is speaking to me with all these seeming "coincidences".  I think one of the themes that i feel like their talk seemed to reinforce was just how big God is. Religion tries to understand God, and in doing so, many times tries to box God in.  C.S Lewis, through a talking animal, basically said that God is not tame.  But that's exactly what we've done with God.  Even many of those that claim not to.  Their talk got me thinking about Christianity and what it is, and how it started.  And how important actually thinking about it is.  I won't get into it (because, like i said, i don't want this to become a political or spiritual platform) but suffice it to say that i'm beginning to see that God is bigger than religion.  And that is a scary place to be!!

My counselor urged me to try to think about what it might be like to experience God choosing me, running after me, seeking hard for me.  Today, i realized that maybe this confusion and uncomfortable-ness that i'm experiencing might be what it feels like when God is actively seeking me--seeking to connect to me.  My friend brought up a sermon by Don Everts where he talks about what it would be like for a tree to try to describe to another tree its experience with a human.  It's totally foreign!!  That's us with God!!  And that's why it's scary, and confusing, and may "hurt" when God (in God's infinite "otherness") actively imposes God-self in my life--but in a way that is also subtle enough that i can take it in slowly.

I'll end with this thought.  The Muslim Sheikh of the Interfaith Amigos said that one of the aspects taught by Islam is "Spaciousness".  I don't think there is enough of that--esp. in my life.  And that is what i am seeking to create, allow.  9/11 was indeed a great tragedy--a tragedy of lives lost, lives taken, and lives changed forever.  I don't want to diminish that pain, but i feel like one of the greatest tragedies of 9/11 was the death of "spaciousness"--the death of dialogue and conversation and the birth of fear, which leads to hatred, which is really fear in disguise.  How do we rid ourselves of this hatred?  We must dispel the fear.  How do we dispel the fear?  We must allow room to "yada" (Hebrew for "to know"--with many definitions of "to know" included in that one word) that which we fear.  How do we "yada" that which we fear?  We must allow "spaciousness".  I must allow "spaciousness".  I think that's where we find God.