feeling it...

So, i thought about writing a post the other day (but, obviously i didn't =).  On that day, i was anxious about the future again.  But i've been reading Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr and it's been awesome!!  Especially the section i read the other day.  I don't even really remember what it's about, but it just seemed to resonate with me at exactly where i am in my spiritual/personal journey.

The gist?  The key is finding balance...holding onto contradictions and tension.  And allowing ourselves to feel--to really feel.  And not to judge that feeling.  So, i was anxious the other day, and i was actually allowing myself to feel it, and not to judge it, or quell it.  It's hard, but it seems to be right--and real.

We are here, on the earth, now--we aren't anywhere else.  We need to be here and allow what is here to be--and ourselves to just be.  I'm still working on that, and still learning what that really means in life and how it works in life.  I know it's more than "just being" but that's the first step.

poor kitty

My landlord's kitty is a little lethargic.  We don't know if she's ill or mopey or what.  But my landlord is out of town.  We called him so he knows.  We just need to keep an eye on her.

In other news, just started reading "Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer" by Richard Rohr.  A lot of what he talks about is what i started with my counselor!!  I'm sensing a theme =).  Anyway, a lot of it has to do with "just being".  I think that's the theme for my life for this time.

dropped the ball...because it takes energy to keep it up

Whew!!  "Just being" takes energy...and is scary.  that's one of the reasons i haven't posted here recently.  dropped the ball.

so...not really sure what to write right now.  feeling a little jaded about online "dating" (i use the term loosely because it's not really a substitute for the real thing.  not that i would know.  why am i a little jaded?  i've messaged people on and off but i never get a reply...well, i did once (thank you to that person =), but other than that, not even so much as a polite "not interested" (i know...those are scary too).  i guess i can understand it some.  i see myself as a real, whole person, but when i'm looking at profiles, i can't see others that way because i don't have all the information.  i only have the profile--it's 2 dimensional (literally and figuratively).  and (hypocritically) i feel like people should be able to decipher that i'm a 3 dimensional person just from my profile.  but i can't even do it, so why am i expecting the impossible from others.  i think i've concluded that i just don't look good online.  i need to move somewhere where i can meet people in real life.

on the flip side, i had an amazing night last night with good friends!!  it was so good that at one point during the evening i lost all sense of time--i had no idea what day it was or what time it was--i was just there, in the present, with my friends.  definitely filled my heart with a sense of blessing and contentment.  it's so interesting how different feelings (even drastically disparate ones) can coexist in one person simultaneously.  i also had the thought last night that i am so excited to finally meet my s.o. so that i can bring him into the fold of that friendship group.  that would have made it perfect (well...assuming that he fit in with the group...that's what i'm hoping for =).

well...i know i tend to write about the same things, but that's what's on my mind.

Happy Birthday

I am so blessed.  I know i say that every year, even despite the fact that i don't believe it as fully as is true.  I had a wonderfully relaxed afternoon doing whatever and catching up on BSG (nearing the end!!  it's so epic!!  a little too epic maybe =).  And then had a lovely, low-key evening hanging out with friends--Papa Murphy's, salad (with home grown vegetables and nasturtiums--and edible flower), 2 games of captions, and pinochle.  And then i came home to my marvelous housemate and an equally marvelous friend =)...and vegged with them watching Buffy.  And all those wonderful "Happy Birthday" wishes on fb!!  So many!!  and i was reminded that i have 2 birthday twins (i guess we'd be birthday triplets).  I feel "older" in a more mature way...

And yet, i am housing some mixed feelings in equal parts.  My feelings of yearning by no means diminishes my feelings of blessing (let alone their true blessings as well).  For my birthday, if you were to ask me what i truly wanted, the answer on the top of my head (without even thinking) would have been just cuddling with my boyfriend in front of a movie, possibly (probably) with friends...but wait...don't really have a bf.

But once again, i can't stress enough, that gut longing does not by any means take away from the blessings of my friends!!  I am learning to accept people choosing me...and also learning to choose them in a real way.